Healthy Fat Girl

Setting up for Summer

2010-03-31T15:29:00.000-07:00

Wow! So much has happened over the past few months. One minute I'm hunched over my laptop on a blustery cold day... the next I'm sweating in a t-shirt and cranking up the AC in my car for the drive to school! Seasons fasinate me and I'm ready for the Summer now!

Over the Christmas break at school I finally got this great guy at school's attention! We went out a few times and I was hooked... so now we are together and spend almost every day in his little 'entertainment room' as he calls it. Always watching a movie or watching him and his son play a game. It's great... but I need to get out a little bit. I need the swimming and outdoor play. I crave time in the sun and all that fun! So, I did something crazy today. I bought my first ever Six Flags Seasons Pass. And I totally intend to use it. So, I have my boyfriend and his son all hyped to go with me and they had better! I spent the winter their way, now they shall spend the summer my way.

I just bought a new car too... so school is a little easier for me to handle. I really way hating having to wait outside for my mom to come pick me up from school. A few weeks ago an former beau of mine was sitting outside and asked if I was pregnant. Um... no! "Oh, so your just eating a lot more now?" he asked. I was livid. And very happy that I got rid of him. I appreciate having a boyfriend that likes me the way I am. The other day I was at his house and we were talking about the weekend before when I spent the night there. "I got up in the morning to grab a bite to eat while you were still sleeping... I just had to climb back into bed with you because your so squishy." I had to laugh because for him thats a compliment... but how many girls do you know that like to be refered to as 'squishy'? But, I'm happy with him and it's been a long time since I was happy with a man. Then I had to learn to be happy by myself. Then I found him and I found I can be happy with him too. Life is pretty good.

Arobics Unleashed!

2010-01-28T13:44:00.000-08:00

Well, I have figured that their are 4 months till Pool Season, and I'm so excited to jump in the pool again. Being a night student means that when the sun is at it's best I can spend my days swimming laps and lounging with a good read... pool side. I feel so much better about myself after spending a day at the pool. My skin turns a healthy bronze glow, my legs start to tighten up. And just the feel of the cool water against my heated skin is refreshing! Sometimes I take my mp3 player with me and prance around pretending like I have dance moves. But, let me be the first to inform you... I don't have any!

Well, this past Summer the young crowd in my family took a camping trip to the lake. That was so much fun for me, I really enjoyed the fact that my brother has a boat with a perfect bench for soaking the sun! I had an adorable swimsuit too. When we got back from the trip life returned to normal, and that trip was just a fond memory in the back of my head. Until I was browsing Facebook and saw my cousin has uploaded some pictures of herself on the trip! In one picture she was looking especially pretty and carefree... but so was my bottom! Ouch! I didn't realize my thighs looked that bad in my swimsuit! My first reaction was to tell her to please crop my backside out of her pic! My second was a rather embarressing trip to Walgreens to pick up some diet pills. They make that so painful there. You have to press a help button so they can unlock the pills... and it is announced over the loud speaker that a customer needs assistance in the diet aid department. When you are the only one there and some very skinny people are a few steps away looking at toothpaste... well I think the roots of my hair were even blushing over that one. Plus, I don't think the pills even worked that well. So, my final reaction was a little slow in happening. And it was only recently that I came to this conclusion. I'm not wanting to lose weight, it's crazy for me because I frausterate myself over it. Then I give up, and what good does that do? I just want to be more toned... and I want to learn a new skill. Maybe I can actually learn to dance these next few months? So, I dug thru my things and found that I have 4 Carmen Electra Stripperarobics DVD's. No, I don't have aspirations of becoming a stripper! But, I do want to tone up, learn to dance (hey, it could happen!), and feel better in my body. So, I'm going to devote one month to each video and chart my progress. I'm not going to do anything but use these videos. That's right, no counting calories, no busting my butt at the gym... okay, I might go just to walk on the machines, but not actually trying to lose weight here! I just want to get to the point that next fall if I find a picture of my bad hindself in a post Summer picture I can say "Hey! could you crop my butt and tag me?" Hey, it could happen!

Find me on the Web

2010-01-16T14:31:00.000-08:00

Well, surprise of all surprises! I don't sit in front of this blog waiting for a comment to pop up all day! That would be a very long wait if I did... but as it happens to be I have some other cool hang outs on the net and I thought I would just share a little about them!

MyPage5 Even though this isn't one of the more well known sites, I did want to share this one because it pays you to participate. It is a social networking site and I don't spend as much time on here as I used too, but I still drop in from time to time to say hi to my friends and try to earn a little more money.

Myspace I have been a member of Myspace for a long time, but I mostly use it for games these days. I also like to artistically express myself there.

Facebook This is one of my more frequent haunts, actually. A lot of the kids I grew up with materialized out of nowhere and landed on Facebook. So, I followed along. I'm still there, causing lots of trouble!

Bzzagent This is not a social networking site! This is a site I go to and earn points toward cool giftcards. I get free samples to try and tell my friends about, then I tell bzzagent how my friends liked the product and I ear points!

Mylot And this cool place is a messageboard you get paid to post on!

Well, there are more of course, but I'll have to dig those up!

School and Career

2010-01-14T15:41:00.000-08:00

School, so much of it lately! I think one of the healthiest things a person can do for themselves is work out their minds. And when you are in school you should make the most of it. I'm attending a small college so there really isn't much in the way of extracurricular activities, but what they do have I'm on board 100%! Currently I'm Vice president of the Medical Billers and Coders club, and at the end of this month that statis will change to President. Also they are starting a writers group... I'm going to participate in that. Maybe my blogs will get a little better with that. But, in the long term that does mean that my blogs are going to be stretched a little thinner and maybe a little farther apart. But that is just because everything school and future career related is priority in my life. But, even so if I may quote Hank the Cowdog 'When sliding down the banister of life, be careful that you don't get a splinter in your career.' And that is the reason I won't leave my little blog hanging here. Because I still need this little bit of spice in my life.

The shoes

2010-01-08T10:03:00.000-08:00

I took the plunge people! I bought my some Sketchers Shape Ups! I got them on sale... for a 100 dollars! However, I have a cousin that works at a special shoe store for people that need shoes for medical reasons mostly. But, one blustery snow day when the clientele was not likely to come in she invited me to see what a day her life at work was like. I must say it was so much fun! I learned a lot about my feet too. I learned that without socks I'm a 6 1/2 but with socks on I'm a 7 1/2. I learned that those boot camp boots did quite a number on my feet and made my arches have fallen. One one side fell more than the other. And when I stand still I put all the weight on the heels of my feet. So, my cousin had me try on the 400 dollars MBT shoes and walk around the store like that for awhile, then I tried to use the balance sticks with them but I have no hand eye coordination at all! So, after chatting and my teacher her to put pictures on facebook she admitted that the sketchers would be a more affordable version of the MBT's. So, now I have those and they feel so good on my feet! I walked around school in them yesterday and I also rocked on them in the elevator to tone my calves. It is fun and it's a whole lot warmer to walk around in than the flats I was wearing and I know I'm doing something better for my body.

What I got for Christmas!

2009-12-29T11:45:00.000-08:00

Well, Christmas was an interesting affair this year. Actually got bumped out of the regular festivities, but I did spend some time with my children... which is a huge deal for me. They really liked their gifts, I think my 7 year old's favorite was the robot dog I got her. She is an odd child and every year for Christmas since she could talk has requested a robot! This year I finally found a robot dog tucked on a back shelf at Goodwill for 3 bucks in it's original packaging! What a find! So, this is the year it was meant to be and Clara is all about the robot dog, though Patsy threw a poopy pants fit over not getting one too. She is 3... I think she will get over it, and I know there will be some interesting requests from her over the years. This year she informed me that she wanted 'Pink Makeup' That is what she got, even though the box said for ages 5 and up, which Clara eagerly pointed out my indiscretion on that one! I love spoiling my kids for Christmas. Marcus is 2 and I got him some Tony Hawk skater boy shoes, though I'm not too sure he gets that they are 'cool'. Next year I think I will get Clara the 'caterpillar' that has also been popping up on numerous Christmas lists.

What did I get? Hmmm, well, my dad got me a 20.00 gift card to Walmart. I used it to purchase an MP3 player since my old one was stolen. Not that I get tricked out MP3 players. I don't even get video features on mine and ipod is truly for the yuppies... or people that can afford that sort of thing. Oh and Clara made me a note pad that says 'Jesus was born today' all around the edges, I didn't have the heart to remind her that her mommie doesn't believe in Jesus, because I figure it's the thought that counts. My granny got me a Burger King gift card, a 10.00 bill, and a bracelet. The bracelet was really cool, silver, chunky and sophisticated looking. Sadly it was also cheaply made, the first night I wore it out it broke... and it never got seen! I had my jacket on over it all night! The Burger King gift card is because there is a BK right across the street from me school and it has wifi. My school does too, but they have facebook blocked on theirs! So, I head over to BK, buy my a coffee and settle in with my laptop. The 10 dollars went towards duct tape and cigarettes. The essentials. Aww, I know I'm trying to be healthy and cigarettes is a pretty lame attempt at healthy living. It's my one vice right now and I will give it up soon... maybe. But, the duct tape was because the wind blew the window off my van and I had to run out there with the cardboard from the box my laptop came in and a trashbag. I had to get the duct tape to hold that little faux window in place!
My mom, well, she got me some post earrings, I doubt they are real diamonds, but that is okay with me... I was getting really tired of wearing dangle earrings to school! She also got me a hoodie jacket, two pairs of sweat pants, two white shirts (one long-sleeved, one short sleaved), a hoodie shirt, a really cool flannel/peasant style shirt, and some plastic boxes to store my stuff in! Oh and then my youngest brother got me Austen Powers, Goldmember. Not my favorite movie in the world, but he was a sweetie to think of me.

And then I was taken on a date to see New Moon the Sunday after Christmas, I don't know if that counts as a Christmas present, but it is something special that I got this holiday season!

Since I didn't really get to go to any real family holiday get togethers I didn't get any chances to get chewed out for my consumption of holiday food! Although my mom does keep drilling me on my chocolate intake. Give me a break! Isn't chocolate good for you?

Happy Holidays!

2009-12-23T13:33:00.000-08:00

Hey, well now holidays are always one of those trouble times of the year for me. I'm enjoying the food, enjoying the company, and (lets just perfectly honest here) enjoying the presents! And suddenly some person comes up and sees that I put mayo on my sandwhich and comments "Now, Kimberli, are you sure you should be eating that?" Somehow, even if you know that other person has downed their weight in cookies and is happily sipping the eggnog, the comment still makes me feel guilty and I don't believe guilt is healthy. I think guilt gives me false hunger, has me starting in to see how much of the ham, greens, cookies, and cheeses galore I can cram down my throat too. Ouch!

So here is a toast! May we all not deny ourselves this holiday season, not let those negative comments get to us. Not bemoan the fact that family get togethers are some of the most fat inducing gatherings of all time! Let us, smile and nod folks and realize that the holiday season only comes once a year and if we must feel guilty for nourishing our bodies... now is not the time to do so! And if a family member presents you with a diet guru's book of tips... well, I guess you can throw that away when you get home!

Acknowlegments, Disclaimers, and Copyrights

2009-11-06T08:46:00.000-08:00

No blog is complete without the rather *ahem* interesting section including all the 'thank you's' the dire warnings, and the 'it's not my fault!s' hehe. So this is mine:

So, I want to thank firstly my mom, for always telling me my body rocks... even when the rest of the family didn't see it that way. Next I want to thank Blogger for hosting my site... otherwise I'd still be a blogger without a blog. Hehe. And I also want to thank whoever the awesome person that created http://www.bloggingbasics101.com because without that site I don't know if I could have broke back into blogging after so many years away! And lastly, I want to thank every man that I've ever gone out with, because honestly that proves to me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I don't have anything to be ashamed of.

Let it be aforementioned that I have some links on here to sites that have some awesome information, but many do not share my religious views. And have some 'extreme' ideas printed in them. I do not ascribe to everything you see in the links I have posted, pretty much I choose them if they have some cool content.

Also, I'm going to mention this ahead of time, in case it needs to be said later. As this is a blog about feeling better about your body and keeping it healthy I will vlog from time to time. I will always be fully clothed, but I know how these things can turn south fast and I refuse to have my blog used in any way that could damage my professional reputation later on. That being said, if anything were to happen to make my the use of my blog... I will put it under password protect and it will become an invite only blog. Be good!

Now for the dire warnings. Hehe. Not really, My writing were written by me, though and I'd like to keep it known that they are my words. I'm sure that I have accidentally spewed some awesome wisdom at one time or another, but please don't claim my words. They are Copyright Kimberli Trenholm 2009 as of right now. Thanks!

I've been naughty today

2009-11-05T22:41:00.000-08:00

I didn't go for my walk this morning. I rolled out of bed and had to head out right away. I went to take a drug test... yes, that's right... I' subject to random drug tests because of a nasty rumor. Rather funny, I think. Anyhow. So, went and did that, then I went to Burger King to get online. They have free Wifi at BK so I go there during the week to get on Facebook. My brother blocks FB on his network connection during the week. He thinks he is doing me a favor, but it's not because my classmates are on FB and if I need to get their help on something school related I have to drive all the way out to BK, waste money on buying a drink (they frown on people crouching on their services) and get on, and then I can't guarantee that they will be on at the same time as me. Grrr. Anyhoo... so I bought an ice tea there today. Then I went to school, and hung out there till class started.

Sooo, I'm going to have to do something about the boring music on my MP3 player tonight, though. I need something more upbeat for my walks.

In case you were wondering...

2009-11-04T00:08:00.000-08:00

As changes are happening around here, I have realized that it is easy to get so carried away with having a pretty blog that you snatch the work of someone else (steal) or buy another person's designs (shortcut!) I don't want to be either person really. My goal is to have this blog be a total expression of everything I'm learning right now. If there is to be any other graphically designed layout on here (right now it's a default layout) then I will learn to do it myself and share it with you that way.

That said, there have been some changes here today! Woohoo! I learned to make a favicon... check up in your url box thing, it's a bicycle. Thought that was appropriate for the fact that this is a site about staying healthy. I also now have some HFG products for you to purchase if your interested. Hehe. But, it's not as up to par as I would like yet (read, only buy the magnets if you want something that the logo looks right on! Haha)

Well, off to bed for now... I'll be researching some more changes to bring to you soon!

Make for Unbelieveably CHEAP!

2009-11-03T21:56:00.000-08:00

After spending a day actually being able to buy the things I really need (in conversation to my sister today I mentioned... somethings in life you HAVE to have, like socks, underwear, and makeup!) I looked aver my receipt and realized just how good I did today and it's not too shabby of stuff... it's no Sephora... but it will take me out on the town. Allow me to break it down for you:

New York Color Face Powder $2.58
New York Color Cover Stick $1.72
Wet and Wild Mascara $1.93
Cover Girl Eye Shadow (I get the stupid girl kind with instructions on how to use it on the back!) $6.98
Wet and Wild Bronzer $2.96
Wet and Wild Eye Liner $3.93
Cover Girl Foundation $4.34

Grand total of $24.44 Yes is seems like a lot, but you have to remember that my special eyeshadow was the really expensive item there, even the foundation (usually a pricey item) was a good 2 dollars shy of it! But, I really do have a rough time figuring out how to put on eyeshadow so I have to have that cheat sheet on the back of it, if I'm good about saving the instructions then I can just buy the cheaper stuff in the future! Notice I didn't get any lip makeup? Well, I didn't need to buy that since I keep that in my purse at all times. Along with my lipgloss. I don't stick with one brand of makeup across the bored, when I'm going for cheap makeup. Each brand has it rock bottom items. The foundation I got is not my favorite, it's really running and tends to not stay in place over the coarse of the day. Which is why I got the powder to go with it. Oh and no blusher for me! I have bright red cheeks naturally so I use bronzer where others would swipe the blush. It tones down that awful color a little!

On the work out front I headed out for just a walk to try to ease my way into this and my mp3 player kept cutting out on me, a quick glance made me realize the battery was dying on me. So, now I picked up some batteries as well to help me go for longer walks When I graduate to runs I'll have to upgrade my speakers and find a way to keep it from jostling (hopefully not too much money there!).

You Look Awesome!!!!!

2009-11-02T23:44:00.000-08:00

So something a little less body conscious today... I've been just bumming around the internet tonight (*ahem* studying for school like a good girl... really!) Haha. Well, I actually stumbled on this site in a way I never really thought that I would run across something like this. It was a ling on a blog from a poor girl doing everything she can to lose the weight. And she had this link! Operation Beautiful I clicked on it because the name of the link and found a silly and cute idea... and something I'm sure has cheered a lot of women up. Imagine if you made it a goal to not only make sure that everyone around you saw you as the fabulous person you really are... but you also made sure that everyone around you saw themselves as the fabulous people they really are. And that is the amazing idea behind this site. I love it!

So, #1 on my agenda: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! Yes, I truly mean it, there is something about you that is truly awesome to look at. Go look in the mirror... no one has ugly eyes. It's just totally impossible to have ugly eyes. I'm serious. Look how they dance and sparkle when you think of someone you love. Strike a pose in the mirror and then realize how absolutely dumb that just looked, but then laugh and realize how that laugh reaches your eyes. I'm serious here, I've never met a person with hideous looking eyes!

Now for #2 I'm a student so I have tons of post its hanging out in the bottom of my backpack. You know what? I'm going to start posting them around school... letting fellow students know they are hot. I'll tell you, today I went to school with this top that was so hot and this guy that is really just a friend of mine came over to study with me and I felt so good in my shirt that I was just sitting there thinking 'Haha, he is totally studying with me to check me out!' Of course looking back, I know better, but just because somewhere along the line someone said "You look so hot in that shirt!" I got this big head when I was wearing it. Hehe.

So, check out that link! And start thinking about what you can do to make those around you feel better about themselves!

The Run

2009-11-02T13:32:00.000-08:00

Is it traitorous that I went for a run today? Well, I doubt it, considering how little running I actually did! I started out in beautiful weather at a brisk walk. And before I knew it my feet were begging to be let loose! Body easily felt into the 'lackland trot' not really running, but defiantly not walking either! I went for awhile, I felt the air whooshing into my lungs. I felt that hallow sharp breath when you haven't run in awhile. I pushed myself. "Your legs don't hurt yet, Kimberli, you can't be tired!" I pushed a little more and then... YUCK! I suppose I shouldn't have tried that so soon after an illness. The phlegm still stuck in my chest rose a little farthur and caught in the back on my throat. I bent over to spit it out and it just hung there. Oh I wish there were other people around to view my embarrassment and I wretched on the side of the road. What kind of girl head for a work out and pukes because of it! Arggggg. I walked the rest of my work out, until I caught sight of the house then I broke into a short run again. But, man, my lungs are BURNING... I don't think that I got the 'healthy' part of my blog down too well. I will work on that and let you see how this goes!

P.S. I totally showered and SCRUBBED when I got home. Ewwy eww eww!

Day Two

2009-11-01T21:42:00.001-08:00

For years I have felt as if I was placed in the wrong body. As I reach puberty a change came over me that was extra than just watching my body become a woman. I changed from that girl that ran through the woods surrounding our home, rolling down the hills in tash cans, and riding on the motorcycles and fourwheelers. I changed into a *gasp* bookworm! I spent HOURS reading every day. My parents were horrified to see me curled up in a chair with the 3rd Elsie Dinsmore novel for that day (yes, I read that fast!) They fed me all the horror stories of turning fat if I didn't get up off my butt, yet when I asked to try gymnastics, the outfits were not appropriate. Ballet and swimming were totally out by the way too. I thought to appease the idea that I was into gymnastics a little and the fact that the outfits were considered to slutty by my father, by checking out books from the library. I stretched and practiced all I could from the confines of my home... but in the end, my dad took that from me too. The pictures in those books were not appropriate should my brothers find them. At age 15 I was 115lbs and my father saw me as his 'fat' child. My mom didn't really say anything openly, but when my dads family would visit she always made note of the 'diabetes' that runs on that side of the family.

When I was 17, I went into the Air Force, even though I found my ways to 'cheat' on the workouts every morning during bootcamp... I slimmed up a lot, but I weighed more! Even the fact that my old ONE PIECE swimsuit fell off of me when my family came to visit was not enough to detour the 'watch your weight comments' During techschool I found myself with an eating disorder. I hated our workouts, but I did them anyhow. I didn't even bother to cheat. I was so terrified of losing my job in the Air Force based on FATNESS. I was 130lbs at this time... and I fit into a size 6!

Then I found out I was pregnant and I panicked! I had a friend that was watching her weight, but not pregnant. She and I went online and found an herbal suppliment that said that if you put four drops into a bottle of water 3 times a day you would lose weight. Since I was pregnant we thought it prudent that I only do this 2 times a day to 'maintain' my weight instead of losing it. I did this for 6 months until my doctor yells at me for not gaining weight! I then started cramming food into my mouth as a sort of all access pass to be fat. Surly I could lose it all in time after the baby! I gained 50lbs in 3 months! After my daughter was born I went back down by a lot, but my belly felt so weird and disgusting to me. Freakish. I started shoving food into my mouth to 'firm' it up (really stupid logic, huh?) then I realized what I was doing and ran to get another herbal suppliment. This time it was a tea at the local Albertson's It said that if you brewed this tea it would help you lose weight! So, I brewed this tea for as long and as strong as I could! I drank gallon jugs of it at a time at home, and carried or four smaller water bottles to work with me. It wasn't long before I became the butt of a joke at work. I had to poop ALL the time, and it was painful, and bleeding, and forceful when it came. They knew that I was doing this to lose weight, but in the air force no one really cares what you do to lose the weight as long as you lose it. I must say that I'm thankful for one kind girl that took me aside. She had just come back early from a deployment for passing out in the heat. She smacked me up the head and asked me what I was doing. 'It's not too late for you!' she yelled at me 'You can stop this nonsense yet! I got sick for eating only an apple and diet pills all day in the desert! I still get sick because that's all I eat and then sit in the sauna... is this what you want!' I wish I could say she snapped me out of my stupidity, but she didn't... she gave me an idea. FOOD! If I could trick people into thinking I was eating food still they wouldn't treat me as a joke anymore! I went to the BX and found a huge sale of laxatives... chocolate laxatives! I bought out the sale and started munching on this stuff at work. Sadly I ate 10 packages of this stuff in one sitting! I was so ill in the head, but when you work in food services it is expected of you to fight those pounds that are bound to come on. And when you are friends with the honor guard, all your friends are trying so hard to look spiffy in their uniforms and you just follow along... but guess what? All that crazy stuff I was doing? It didn't work! I was still 160lbs! After doing all of that I felt like it didn't matter anymore.

When I moved home my mom took me out to buy new clothes that looked great on me. But, I wanted them to be too big. I came down with the flu and after burning up with a fever of 104 for 5 days I came out of it to find myself down to 140lbs! I was overjoyed! I started my bad eating habits again, and added some more. I started smoking to keep from eating... at first I was throwing up that tar and having to sit down to keep from passing out over the nicotene, but soon I was able to pass that. I started drinking coffee... let me rephrase that. I ABUSED coffee it wasn't about how many cups of coffee I drank a day... but how many POTS of it I drank a day. I started going to the pro anorexic sites for more ideas. Funny thing is, no matter how much I TRIED to lose weight. I didn't. I might have stayed the same. But, I didn't lose.

Then I met my last ex and he really helped me feel better about my body... and then promptly dumped some more weight on me from giving birth to two beautiful children. He helped me realize that the weight I was obsessing about, I was really only obsessing to please my family. Odd, because that was the ONLY thing I sought to please them in! I've always been the 'rebel' not the 'bad' child... just the rebel. And it sickened me to realize that I was letting them have control over me in THIS of all things. I was killing myself! This time of my life was the closest I've ever come to doing drugs... just to please my family! Yikes.

I have spent the last 4 or 5 years trying desperately to be comfortable in my own skin to feel fabulous just the way I am! But, recently something happened to make me realize I'm still so insecure in my own body! It happened on Facebook, I got a friend suggestion from the girl that was my best friend when I was 5. I looked the guy over in the pic and pressed ignore. I didn't know him. Then another girl that was a lot younger than me, but I girl I used to play with a lot as a child friend requested the same guy to me. Again. I pressed ignore. Finally he friend requests me and my curiousity is aroused... who on earth is this guy? Not to mention he was very good looking and I don't usually bother looking at good looking guys. For some reason I'm usually atracted to ugly me. Seriously, If I find them repulsive then I'm more likely to go out with them! Anyhow, so I accepted him about dashed off a quick message "Who are you, and you always been this hot?"

When I found the reply to this question in my inbox my jaw dropped to the floor... could it be that one of my friends from my pre pubescent years... one that we always considered a dork... he had turned into this? My mouth started to water as he informed me of the fact he had been in the marines for a time and when he said he was moving back to the great stl... for good! Yowie!

I spent 3 days on facebook flirting outrageously with him and found out we seemed to be on the same grounds for most stuff. Then one day I shook myself hard... I was falling in love with a childhood friend! Online! And it was doomed to failure... all I had to was look at him as realize men like that don't go out with girls like me. When he started talking about maybe spending time with me... a lot of time with me I felt I had to let him know I wasn't that little girl that he used to know. I told him that I wasn't his type really, nice offer... but I didn't want to be hurt so I was making sure he knew we would only be friends. That is when his new found temper showed. He started asking if I really thought he was that shallow, and why couldn't I give him a chance. Whhhhhha? After much of this back and forth I made a deal with him. When he comes home we can be buds. We will go out and haunt this beautiful city together... and if he truly likes me for me... really me, then I will consider being with him.

So, on the surface it sounds like I just finally got smart about how to deal with men... and maybe that came of my baser issues here. But the truth is, I'm terrified. For the first time in about 5ish years I feel like trying to beat my body back into some form of pleasing looks. I can't accept that maybe, some men aren't really drawn to the package on the outside (not those equally shallow men that ONLY seek out fat girls) but truly like a girl for being her. But, I thought the girls men liked for being themselves were the girls they were friends with. The empty headed attractive ones are the ones they share a bed with... and in rare cases they find an attractive intelligent girl... but mostly they just go for the attractive girls.

And this brings me to my final thought... am I shallow? Am I shallow for thinking a man can't like me for who I am in the body. Am I shallow for purposely choosing ugly men that I feel can appreciate me better.

This isn't about my family, is it? It's not about scumbag men that lie and cheat... this about me, this about my disgusting distorted view of myself. I'm the shallow one here, and it is time for a true change.